


No Turning Back

by Baamon5evr



Series: Everybody Wants To Rule The World [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Multiple Pov, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:09:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A part of him felt the need to watch Sam Wilson, find out what made him so special that Natalia would care for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Turning Back

Steve found himself sitting with the rest of the team in the living room watching a movie on movie night. They were trying to distract themselves from Sam's absence, trying to carry on as if everything was normal but they were missing Sam's commentary, his large presence in the room even without the wings, Steve was missing his heat by his side and this movie couldn't distract him from it. He looked at his phone to see if he was missing any messages or calls even though he knew he wasn't. He told Darlene he would give Sam time and space but he was finding it hard. Thanks to Helen there was no evidence of his cuts or Wanda's and Rhodey's. Natasha's side was still sore but not nearly as much. He had relayed that to Sam via the texts and voicemails he'd left but hadn't heard back from him. Today was no different. Steve sighed to himself before locking his screen. There was too much going through his head.

He knew Sam was with his family but he hadn't talked to him, he couldn't know for sure if he was alright. What if all of his family had been taken? What if they were doing to him what they did to Bucky? He couldn't handle it if he found himself having to fight Sam, him not knowing what they were to each other, he couldn't lose someone as important to him as Sam was. He sighed to himself once more before getting up from the couch and walking to the backyard. He sat heavily on the porch swing, looking up to the stars above as if they held answers, as if they could assuage the fear that kept Sam away. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that they couldn't seem to catch a break, it wasn't fair that they just started their relationship and already forces beyond their control worked to tear them apart, it wasn't fair that HYDRA had taken Bucky from him, had taken Erskine, had ripped his life from him so he lost Peggy and the Commandos and now they were trying to take away one of the last good things he could claim as his. It made him angry, it made him want to hurt them and it made him scared to death that they would succeed.

He looked up briefly as the balcony door opened and Natasha strolled out. He looked back down, fiddling with his phone as he felt her sit next to him. Neither said anything for a long moment, just staring up at the stars. Natasha sighed beside him before reaching over and taking one of his hands.

"He'll come back. I don't know when but he will. He loves you."

"Sometimes love isn't enough Natasha. And since when do you put much stock in love?"

"Not for myself maybe but you and Sam are nothing like me. You love each other and for you two it is enough so he'll be back, maybe not when you want him to be, but he will be."

"It's not just that. He's hurting and I'm not there. HYDRA's after him and I'm not there, he's afraid and I'm not there. When we were looking for Bucky he was there for me. He always knew what to say, how to help me. He was my backbone and I--"

"You're not doing the same." Natasha finished.

"But it's not your fault. I think you'll find, contrary to your belief, there's actually quite a few things in this world that aren't your fault." She continued with some sarcasm coating her voice. He didn't respond to it as he usually would, his mind too busy calling up nightmare scenarios. Natasha sighed again beside him.

"Hey, do you trust me?" She asked. He nodded almost immediately.

"Of course I do."

"I'll take care of it, don't worry about it." Something in her tone made him turn to her.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I said, don't worry about it." She leaned up and kissed Steve's cheek before abruptly getting up and walking back into the house. A part of him wanted to follow her but another part didn't want to know what more than likely morally gray action she would enact for his benefit. He didn't follow.

**~*~*~**

The thing was Natasha liked Sam. He was an easy guy to like. He was laid back and relaxed but he was honest and caring and more understanding than most people she had met and most of all his love was pure. It wasn't love itself she was an enemy towards, it was when it pertained to her the lines got blurred. She made a valiant effort with Bruce, mostly because being with the team was forcing her to reevaluate her stance on love and admittedly the encounter with the Winter Soldier had shaken her heavily, had thrown her off-kilter and Bruce suffered for it. That's what she usually brought men in her life: nothing but pain. But with Steve and Sam she'd somehow managed not to. Maybe it was just a one-off kind of thing but they were her friends and she didn't like knowing they were in pain so the best thing to do was be proactive about it. She took out her cellphone only when she was alone.

"Nat, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Fury asked. He sounded normal enough so she probably didn't catch him at a bad time but she still cut to the chase.

"What number is he using now?"

"Been calling him a lot."

"I need his help, Steve needs his help."

"Wilson's already grown wings. What? Did he sprout a halo?"

"Our favorite parasite has apparently been growing in Wilson's head. He flipped recently and left, haven't seen him for a week. I needed James to help me find his old cryo chamber to help Sam, now I need him to help me bring him back safe and alive.”

“Barnes was with me a couple days ago then he left like a bat outta hell. Fuck if I know why but I’ll text you his number.”

“Thanks Nick. And thanks for even letting him stay with you at all, he needed the direction.”

“Well, he’s a lot like you were when you first came to me. You tried to kill me too and I got over it, didn’t it?” Natasha smiled a little to herself.

“You surprised me with how spry you were, old man.”

“I still got my moves, don’t ever doubt that.” Natasha smiled a little wider as Nick hung up the phone. He had been a godsend with her issues concerning James (because she couldn’t call him Bucky, not with their history). She needed someone to watch out for him, guide him, get him to a place where he and Steve could meet and things wouldn’t blow up too much and so of course she directed him to Nick. They didn’t always run together, Nick having his own agenda when it came to HYDRA and James having his. Natasha ran into James a few times before Ultron, Clint and Laura had met him when she needed a place to lay low with him. She told Steve she’d seen him a few times but they had never talked about their past relationship, he only knew what the Winter Soldier’s files had implied and that was that. She didn’t like using James to run errands for her but he needed focus and purpose and she knew from experience the only way was through missions, through having a goal to complete and so she knew he would take her up on this request.

She dialed the number once Nick sent it to her and waited patiently for him to answer.

“What, Fury? I’m busy.”

“Not even a hello. I know your mother taught you better manners than that, Sergeant.” James paused before speaking.

"What did Steve get himself into this time?" He asked with annoyed exasperation. She was sure she'd heard older siblings speak in much the same tone concerning their younger brother or sister. She might've used that tone for Clint or Steve more than once.

"Surprisingly, he didn't do anything this time."

"Will wonders ever cease." He deadpanned drawing a smirk on her lips.

"So what's wrong? You don't exactly do social calls." He continued sarcastically.

"It's Sam actually, he went AWOL. Last we heard he's in Baltimore. Things are tense down there right now, and not just for him. HYDRA's screwing with his head."

"As is their wont. Do you want to bring him back?"

"Think you can just watch out for him?"

"Of course I can." James said sounding slightly offended. Natasha took a moment to silently be proud of James. He'd come a long way from non-emotive automaton to how he was now. He still wasn't ready to see Steve up-close yet, no matter how much she tried to convince him but if Steve ever noticed any extra outside help on some of their missions, he never said.

"I'll see you later."

"James? Keep him safe. He's important. Not just to Steve, to all of us." James paused again before speaking.

"I will." He said in a quiet, honest voice before hanging up. Natasha sighed and put her phone down, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"You can come in, no point eavesdropping." She said. Her door opened to reveal Rhodey and Wanda standing there. She stared pointedly at Wanda for a moment and the brunette sighed before pulling Vision into view as well. Rhodey and Wanda had been on the mission to get James' cryopod for Sam's procedure so they knew the truth about her interactions with him beyond Steve's immediate knowledge. She'd sworn them to secrecy but she should've known Wanda would tell Vision. She didn't get upset, though she did acknowledge Wanda's sheepishness with a sharper look.

"So Bucky's going to bring Sam back?" Rhodey asked.

"No, he's going to watch over him until Sam's ready to come back. Sam'll be ready in his own time but if another week passes, I'll talk to James about it."

"I miss him. He reminded me of Pietro." Wanda commented, looking down. Vision squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

"Sergeant Wilson will return, it just may take a little while longer." Vision reassured her. Natasha was feeling inept and she didn't like it, she didn't like not knowing what to do. Loss of control wasn't something she reacted well to but this time it really was out of her hands and there really was nothing else she could do.

**~*~*~**

What he didn't tell Natalia was that he was already in Baltimore and had been for a couple days now. He had been tracking a few HYDRA agents who had taken a particular liking to the area and as the climate in the city was at a racially fueled high the last thing that was needed was a Nazi organization adding gasoline to that fire. Now with the knowledge that their newest developing project was in Baltimore, things grew infinitely more complicated. Bucky weighed his options. He couldn't simply kill Wilson, he was important to Natalia and Steve. He could kill the HYDRA agents but there was still information to be found there. A part of him felt the need to watch Sam Wilson, find out what made him so special that Natalia would care for him.

He didn’t wonder about Steve. Steve was Steve, the punk had a natural trust for most people (though that trust was not unbreakable) but Natalia did not trust easily, she did not care easily about people close enough to see past her mask and the masks beneath her mask. Clint Barton and Laura Barton were a special breed when it came to that, they had seen past his own masks when he met them. Clint with sharp eyes that saw everything and Laura with a calm attentiveness that relaxed even him, he understood Natalia’s feelings in that regard. He understood her letting Steve in, there was no need to wonder on that. He understood Fury because Fury was just like them but enough like their handlers to where it was familiar but not uncomfortable.

It wasn’t a mental burden having someone order you around when that person was also making sure that you slept properly at night and showed concern veiled by excessive cursing and loud, over-the-top rants even if you damn well didn’t deserve any of said person’s concern after you tried to kill them twice. He understood that Natalia had red in her ledger to wipe out but what he did not understand was how she had managed to get herself tied up with the ostentatiousness of the Avengers. She was a spy, they lived in shadows, in dark alleyways, they skirted morally grey and ethically ambiguous as a way of life and survival.

They did not wear gregarious metal suits and capes, they did not swing magical hammers and throw boomerang shields around. Even back during the war Bucky had been separated from Steve’s big battles. He was the eyes in the trees behind a rifle watching the horror unfold through his scope.

It wasn’t jealousy he felt when Natalia mentioned her brief fling with Bruce Banner but a lack of understanding because that was not Natalia. She did not do loss of control in anything, she didn’t do the unknown as a rule, she did not run away and never had (though he did acknowledge he probably hadn’t helped a whole lot with her mental state showing up as he had even if she told him not to blame himself for that.)

But Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson was interesting. Sam Wilson had been deemed worthy by Natalia Romanova and her approval was a hard thing to earn. Not just that, he had been picked specifically by HYDRA to be their next guinea pig. He had no doubt a part of it was their need to fuck with Steve and hurt him emotionally so he was brought down and easier to fight. But apparently Sam Wilson had something special and Bucky wanted to know what. It was fairly easy to get to a vantage point where he could see into the Wilsons' backyard, easy for him anyway. He saw Wilson sitting in the grass of the backyard. He admitted to himself that the wings did look impressive though he'd be more so if he didn't have his arm. He watched Wilson for an hour as he stared at the setting sun before something of depth happened. Two young children, twin girls, ran out of the house. They had dark hair in springy curls with dark sepia skin and large smiles on both of their faces as they ran to Wilson and jumped in his lap.

"Hey, little monsters." He said affectionately, cuddling the two to himself.

"Uncle Sam, we were terrorizing about how you got your wings." One of them who wore a yellow t-shirt said.

"I know you two are little terrorists on your own but the word I think you're looking for is 'theorizing'."

"Yeah, we were... tee-o-rizing?"

"Close enough, you'll get it."

"Anyway, we've been thinking since Mom and Nana won't tell us."

"Well, what'd you come up with?" The other girl, clad in periwinkle blue, launched into an explanation now.

"Well, you know how no one else can lift Thor's hammer. Maybe he thought you were worthy even though you can't lift it and he wanted to show it so he gave you the wings as a gift." The girls beamed at their uncle brightly and with accomplishment in their grins. Bucky wondered how Wilson would maneuver his way out of this.

"You know, that's a nice thought but it actually happened differently. It wasn't the good guys who did this, it was the bad guys. It was HYDRA."

"Aren't those the people that hurt Captain Steve's friend?"

"Yeah. They gave me these wings to hurt me and so I could hurt other people."

"But your wings are beautiful. How can someone bad make something pretty?" The girl in yellow asked. Wilson took a minute to think.

"You know how you guys hate rain?"

"It's icky."

"Yeah but after it rains you can see rainbows and rain gives plants water so food and flowers can grow and we can enjoy them. A lot of times good things can come from what we see as bad." The girls seemed to contemplate this before they looked at each other then nodded.

"Okay." They both kissed his cheek before they stood up. One of the girls ran back in but the one in blue stayed.

"What's up, Ally?"

"The bad people, they made Captain Steve really sad when they hurt his friend. Was he sad when you got your wings?"

"All of my friends were... not so much sad as frightened because they didn't know what was happening but Steve was pretty sad."

"Is that why you left?"

"... partly I guess."

"It's okay. Sometimes when Mommy is crying and thinks we can't hear I hide because I get scared of it but Alana says we don't have to be. She says now we get a chance to kiss Mommy's boo boos if she's hurt so I go back. You're a lot stronger than me, you can reach Nana's cookie jar without a stool so I know you can go back. You can even kiss Captain Steve's boo boos 'cause he's pervious to cooties." Wilson chuckled to himself.

"The word is impervious and thanks for the advice Counselor Alesha." The little girl beamed at him before she ran inside behind her sister. He waited a few moments to be sure they were gone before he moved and dropped into Wilson's backyard. The man turned to him and didn't look frightened or surprised; perhaps his senses were more heightened than even he was aware.

"From the mouths of babes, right?" Wilson smiled a little before offering him a seat on the grass next to him. Bucky sat, making sure to put space between them but the wings were so large he could feel them barely brushing against him.

"Did Natasha send you? I know it was your old cryotube she got for Helen's procedure."

"Does he know?"

"Yeah, Steve knows, doesn't want to acknowledge it I guess. Not until she wants too anyway."

"Natalia sent me to look after you. I wasn't supposed to make contact but I was curious about you. Steve loves you but Steve's got a big heart. Natalia? Not so much. I wanted to know what was so special about you, why HYDRA chose you. Sure, you have experience with wings but it didn't have to be you."

"You come up with an answer yet?"

"Nothing concrete but I have a theory."

"I'm all ears."

"You're a good person."

"Thanks...?"

"You're genuinely a good person. Who drops their whole life to help a guy they barely know find someone who tried to kill you multiple times? Crazy people and good people, that's who and lately those two types of people are synonymous with each other."

"There are lots of good people in the world. There are good people in the streets right now speaking out for their right to live. It doesn't make me special." Wilson answered.

"It's not just that but the rest is for me to know and for you to guess at."

"Right. Guess you wouldn't be much of a spy without your secrets."

"Not a very good one at least." They sat in silence for a few moments, Bucky taking in all the sounds around him.

He and Natalia used to do this, find a spot and listen to the world around them. The nocturnal creatures stirring as night set in;

The smell of the sun fading from the air.

The buzzing of fireflies and chirps of crickets.

He could hear Wilson's family moving around the house behind them. He always felt comfortable in the silence with Natalia. Back then it wasn't because he hadn't had anything to say, he had lots to say but couldn't say it so he took all his unspoken words and the voice they snuffed out of him and put it into the heaviness of his fist, the arching curves of his knife, the smoothness of his loaded gun and the softness of Natalia's lips. Now though? Now he had spent a lot of time letting his anger out at HYDRA resulting in a trail of bodies across the Eastern seaboard and he had been forced by Fury and some of Natalia's other SHIELD friends to put actual words to his thoughts and feelings and so he had spoken about it until he was blue in the face and bleeding red in his chest, until he didn't know whether he wanted to see the world on fire or just lay down, give up and die but he had managed to keep going. He had let go of a lot of his anger as HYDRA's numbers grew thinner and they became more desperate. Now he needed to focus on getting his affairs in order, he figured he'd begin with Steve. Figuring out just who Samuel Wilson was and whether he deserved Steve or not was as good a place to start as any.

"Can I ask you something?" Wilson said suddenly. Bucky shrugged in response.

"You left and I believe part of the reason you did was to protect Steve from yourself. Is it selfish that I want to go back even though I'll probably hurt him?" Bucky looked down and away, contemplating how to answer this.

"My mother, she was a romantic and always really philosophical when it came to matters of the heart. Anything I ever thought about love I got from her. She had this saying or a... rule rather for love. She'd say that for all the things in life that we put chains on, all the things we put a price on, all the things we imbued with preconceived notions: love should always be free. That includes being free from fear. You love Steve, I can tell, and he loves you, the only thing keeping you apart is fear. Is it selfish to go back? Maybe. You'll definitely hurt him again and he'll hurt you, maybe not physically but you will. It's the human condition. But you're also brave for going back. Braver than me."

"You survived this long. Don't sell yourself short."

"Don't flatter me so I'll like you." Bucky answered, putting enough levity in his voice so Wilson knew he was joking.

"You wanna come in? My mother cooked dinner."

"Natalia says I'm not to drag you back kicking, just look out for you. There are a couple HYDRA agent in town for you."

"They'll still be there after dinner." Bucky took a moment to contemplate. It'd been so long since he had an actual home cooked meal, something that wasn't instant made or precooked and processed.

"You drive a hard bargain, Wilson." The man smiled brightly at him and it was just like Stevie's smile, way too bright for what the world had already thrown at him.

"You can call me Sam."

"Sam." One of the commandos was named Sam.

"You can call me Bucky, I guess. Everyone else is."

"You call yourself that?"

"Gotta call myself something and the Winter Soldier isn't much of a name."

"Cool ass alias though, I'd keep it. Make it my own."

"You might be on to something."

"Come on, Mama loves feeding people and I think she's been itching to get her hands on you since Steve told her about you." Bucky found that generally nothing good came from meeting people with preconceived notions of him, they either thought he was a 40s caricature or immediately wanted to challenge him to a fight he had no interest in. Darlene Wilson however seemed to liken him to a lost puppy.

"Not a puppy. Ma used to take in runaways and homeless teens." Wilson-- Sam tells him. Darlene pushes three plates of food before him and a gargantuan cup of juice.

"Steven usually gets three plates. I figure your appetite is somewhere 'round his." He had muttered a thanks and ate all three plates while Sam ate his seconds and his sister put the girls to bed. He got ready to wash his dishes but Mrs. Wilson waved him off.

"I'll wash these. Samuel, set up the guest room for him."

"Oh I'm not staying." He said.

"I can't have you slip out without sleeping in a proper bed."

"Motel room is fine."

"You never know what's happened in those beds. Or worse, you do." Sam was behind his mother soundlessly reciting her words.

"Give it up Bucky. Mama is very serious when it comes to motel rooms. You can leave first thing in the morning." Sam compromised.

"After breakfast." Darlene amended. Bucky somehow had the feeling that if he agreed to this he would not be leaving any time soon but Natalia did tell him to look out for them. This was easier than perching on roofs he guessed.

“I’m not leaving any time soon, am I?” He asked rhetorically as Sam set the guest room up.

“Sure you are. You’ll leave when we leave… maybe.” Bucky watched Sam walk from the room carefully to get his wings past the door with no damage. Bucky supposed Wilson would be better company than Fury at any rate so he didn’t complain about this new arrangement. Besides he didn’t scream when he had nightmares anymore so he didn’t have to worry over that.

**~*~*~**

Sam walked into his room getting ready to go to bed. He supposed a part of him felt safer in a way with Bucky here even though he guessed that was crazy but Natasha trusted him enough to send him here so the man must’ve managed to pull himself together enough to not murder his family in the middle of the night. His wings fluttered a bit as he sat on his bed, the bed he had occupied for years before joining the army. He couldn’t sleep on his back any more like he used to so he had to lay on his stomach but the wings were heavy and pushed down on him in a way that made it difficult to breathe. Thus he had taken to sleeping propped against the headboard lately. He couldn’t help but think sleeping was a lot easier back at home with Steve there. He might’ve floated them off the bed at points but at least he slept comfortably.

He wondered if Bucky was going to come back with he and Sarah to the Avengers complex. Steve would love to see him and Sam felt he couldn’t go back empty handed, Bucky would be the perfect gift because he was going to do it. He was going back, even though he wasn’t exactly sure when. All he did know was that he missed Steve, missed his voice, missed his heat, missed touching him and seeing him smile a real smile, hearing him laugh, hearing him say he loved him. He missed his team. He missed talking to Rhodey and connecting with someone who understand his struggles as a black man and not just in the military. He missed Wanda and the way she gravitated towards him and looked at him for understanding and guidance, how she thought he was so smart even when he grasped at straws to answer her questions at times. He missed the way Natasha tried to hide the fact that she loved the team as her family but really wasn’t good at hiding it, missed the way she smiled secretively at him when one of the team was doing something particularly idiotic. He missed the way Vision had a steady faith in him, his capabilities and his strengths even when Sam doubted it himself. He just missed home and so with that in mind he grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and unlocked it. He went to his contacts list and his finger hovered over Steve’s name but before he could press on it the phone began to rang, a picture of Steve sleeping popping up to accompany it. He had a moment of panic where he very nearly threw the phone across the room but he took a deep breath to calm himself and then pressed the answer key.

“Hi Steve.”

“… oh my god. You answered, you actually answered.” Sam felt a pang at the disbelief in Steve’s voice, he could imagine how much he had been hurting this week as well and Sam could’ve ended it if he simply picked up the phone but he wouldn’t.

“I’m so sorry, baby.”

“No. No, no, no. Sam, you don’t have to apologize to me.”

“Don’t have to apologize? I hurt you, I hurt the team. All the blood… I’m so… I--”

“You didn’t do it on purpose. It was HYDRA. They got in your head, we should’ve known better than to think that they wouldn’t have done something like that. I’m sorry for not thinking of that. I’m sorry for not protecting you.”

“Steve, you don’t owe me an apology.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” Sam chuckled a little as he felt his eyes stinging.

“I love you. I love you so much, Steve. I’m going to tell you that every chance I get when I get back.”

“You’re coming back?” The hopefulness and caution in Steve’s voice was yet another stab at Sam’s heart.

“Sometime this week if everything goes okay. Sarah and the girls are coming with me.” He didn’t mention Bucky, he didn’t know if he was supposed and it wasn’t his place either way.

“I love you, Sam, more than I ever thought I’d be capable of loving someone and I’m going to show you when you get back.”

“Is that a promise?” Sam replied in a flirtatious tone that was well worth it when Steve chuckled lightly.

“You bet your sweet ass it is.” Sam felt a smile stretch on his lips as leaned back against the headboard.

“Tell me about everyone’s day?” He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment as he listened to Steve recount the teams’ shenanigans of the day. The words sunk into him but more so it was the sound of Steve’s voice he focused on, a sound sorely missed, and he let it lull him to sleep.


End file.
